un-identity crisis

Yay! It's Friday! Another week went by. My PCR is still not working, and all the sequence results I got today had something seriously wrong with them. Saki thinks that these are just reading errors, and not frame-shift mutations...in any case, not what I'd hoped for. But tonight's another night to study away, and make the dream come true. I think all this studying, for this exam I've put off for so long, has really made me question my motivations. I, to this day, am totally unsure of what I want to do, and how I want to do it. But I keep trying to have faith that I will be put to service a most valuable way. I see all these doctors in white coats, every day. Some of them seem happy, but many of them look like drones, mindlessly carrying on. All seem to be plagued by managed care and "the system."

I guess tonight I got home, and for some reason was reminded of myself many years ago. Back when I was 17, and the world was totally unknown, I was totally creative. Everything I did was creative, and everything I wanted to do was creative. And I sit here today, and wonder, how did I get myself into this world? It's a place with lots of black and white, anaylitic-heavy, square-infested, and mostly not light-hearted or creative at all. It's all politics it seems. I think I liked spending time with musicians better. I liked my random life where I could just be anything interesting, new, and innovative. Create something new. Make a film, or a song, or a dress, or a poem, or a story, or anything really.

Anyway, I miss my old self and I think I should invest in more creative ideals. Take out the black and white. Un-conform, be less analytical, and more authentic to creative expression. Science has just totally exacerbated my anal retentive and hard-ass tendencies...which makes me feel like I've just turned perfectionist-bitch crazy. So next time you guys see me behaving scientifically, do me a favor and get me to paint with you, or go to a concert, or do ANYTHING creative. I think I need an antidote....